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Archive for August, 2009

dozy day

Couldn’t sleep last night for an anxiety induced hyperventilation episode.

Man I need to learn to relax, or atleast travel with a paper bag.

Yesterday I had been reading about someone learning meditation – and the detached observation of physical sensation.

So last night, I tried to observe in a detached, non judgemental way, the sensations of anxiety. And found fleeting moments of relaxation, and then I’d relax being detached and immediate start hyperventilating again.

Dumb thing – there wasn’t even any reason for this. Mind you, when is there? Anxiety is useless. It doesn’t help you deal with whatever drama is facing you. Truth is I’ve probably been a hyperventilator for a lot of my life and only recently noticed. So now I need to consider how to calm down.

Last night, prior to this had an interesting chat with Shane. Who had cooked delicious dinner and given me his spare room for the night. (Many miles from home last night, with the course.) He had been on a mental boot camp of harden the fuck up, don’t whinge to me about why you can’t because of your history kind of retreat. He said, mostly people don’t do stuff, because they are scared of other people. But we don’t admit this to ourselves, instead we create a narrative based on historical and therefor conveniently unchangeable events about why we are victims of circumstance. He said when you think about why you aren’t doing something you want to do, make sure to include the word NOW in the question.
Why now, aren’t you doing thing x? (Thing x being a self actualising pursuit that you pine after but are frightened of.) And so the answer isn’t because your mother/father/principal/principle/big toe thissed or thatted or the othered during your childhood. That’s got nothing to do with now.
I liked this. Of course I’ve created my fair share of poignant and convincing sob stories for why I haven’t pursued my thing x’s.
Maybe this conversation made me anxious?

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ugh

I dreamt it was swimming class, and I was put in a shark infested ocean, to encourage me to learn to swim fast.

ugh ugh ugh
what rhymes with ugh
pug slug glug and chug
all rhyme with ugh

this whole – I know I’ll drop into a graduate course in a field I’ve done 4 weeks of study in and it’ll be fine – lark is taking it’s toll. Hence the lack of posting. I’ve been too busy freaking out.

And typical freaking out irony – of course busy freaking out means not practicing enough, therefor more freaking out. etc.

Well, worst case scenario, I will have a great opportunity to learn how to face failure with grace and dignity. Character building opportunity. (if you could only meet a character building opportunity face to face, head on as it were, you’d punch em really hard eh?)

ugh.

In other news, my children have enough food to eat. (jeeze understatement they are saturated with all the material and emotional things their wee hearts could desire). I am warm and dry and not being shot at. My husband is an uxorious dish of a man. I’ve started hanging out with some wonderful women and their cute babies. So now I have babies in my life again, and friends. I’m healthy excepting being overweight, which is just a sign of what an indulged life I lead. And I’ve had a few gigs lately, the phone has rung! And I cleaned my desk.

I had thought it was a crappy piece of cheap pine furniture, badly home stained. Well, possums, amazing what it feels like with all the crap thrown out, dusted, polished, with useful items stored in purdy baskets. It’s quite lovely.

Ok off to the doctor. It’s hard to know what time to go this doctor. He normally runs an hour late, but it’s variable. he’s well worth the wait though. Because when you do see him, he takes time over you and ATTENDS to what you are saying and showing.

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first Wednesday

Well I did it.
I left home at around 8am.
To catch a plane from here at 9.20.
Which flew to Melbourne, where I pottered around the airport shops. Wondered whether the mutual, polite ignoring between salespersons and me was because we all knew I buy from shops with one less zero on the price tag.
Then plane to Brisbane arrived around 2.13pm.
Caught the Brisbane airtrain to the city at 2.28 and the bus out to the Uni at 3.18.
Arrived for my 4pm class.
Surprised my classmates by being an interstate commuter.
Didn’t surprise myself by fuddling through everything badly. What the hell was I thinking? The worst was reading in the alto clef. After 30+ years of treble/bass, it’s really messing with my mind. Also I’ve stopped thinking about chords the way I used to. So I need to be a bit more rigorous. I’ve kind of become sloppy – you know a chord might be Dish, or have a D feeling. But conservatoriums like a little more drilling down than that!
Got a lift back to Brisbane city from a young classmate who apologised that his car smelt of bananas.
Airtrain back to the airport.
Plane left at 7.55pm.
Met Husband at Adelaide airport 10.15 pm.
Home around 10.40pm.

Realised the travelling will be OK. It will be whether I can stay afloat in the class or not. But I’m going to try. It’s not an intellectual kind of learning, it’s about drilling I think. So I’ve just been practicing every day. And we’ll see…

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Bobby McFerrin

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

Don’t imagine Bobby sees himself as a Kodaly teacher, but this embodies so many of the ideas. Not talking, getting everyone singing, using musical and other non verbal communication. Going from the known to the unknown, leading just enough.

hear the joy from the audience about their own musicality.

Just wonderful. What an inspiration.

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